My Story

My Dad

The first thing I generally tell anyone about myself is “My Dad was in the Navy.”

As anyone who has been closely connected with the American Service knows, this really is very defining. Military “brats” often have at sometime or another gone to several schools in one year ( for me it was Second Grade and three schools).

They are also very good at packing – because they have done it so much.  After I was born my family crossed the United States from the Pacific Coast to the East seven times.

I learned early that the end of the school year was a time for moves and never seeing friends again. All ties might be broken with almost no warning. Summer would probably mean getting used to a new house, new neighborhood – and new climate.

The fact that my Dad was in the military also meant that we were too. For example, there were three correct answers to every question – “Yes Sir!” “No Sir!” and “No excuse Sir!” Please notice the “Sir.” That’s what we called him until he retired (after 30 years of service). Not Dad. This is very common and often breaks up the marriage at some stage as well as the kids.

Dad was also what is called a “Mustang” which means someone who worked his way up from the ranks. There is a lot of predjucie against mustangs – which Dad solved by working 20 hour days. It was also how he solved his relationship with my mother.

But that is besides the point. Dad was a workaholic.

My Mother

Mother had been “on the stage” when she was young and her life was always centered around Hollywood. I think we saw more movies than anyone else I knew and Oscar night was one of the most important of the year.

She had met Dad as a secretary during the War and had been very impressed with this handsome Lieutenant who was even interested in Classical Music. And he, the son of emigrant parents,  was blown away by the elegant Lady she was. It was  of  “Love at First Sight.”  They had their first fight 15 minutes after the Wedding – it lasted for the rest of their lives.

Mother spent the rest of her life gallently dealing with the fact that wives of officers didn’t do more that community theater – with a six pack of beer every night, and sometimes a glass of wine to help her sleep.

Her speech was always precise and she was never drunk – but Mother was an alcoholic.

Where Do I Come In?

I started off being something of a disappointment, because I had chosen an unfortunate gender.  They preferred boys. Then two years later my brother was born – and it got worse.

Mother made sure that I spoke correctly at all times – and Dad made sure I was tough enough not to cry.

So I grew up rather like Topsy.  No support. No roots. No friends.  And never having know too much love.

By the age of sixteen it often seemed that the best favor I could do the world was leave it.  Possibly the lowest point in my life was when they finally divorced – but of course Mother couldn’t do anything without the necessary Drama – and nearly destroyed my life at the same time.

For most of my life I have fought with suicidal depression and a total lack of self esteem.

My Life Today

Today I have been married to a wonderful man for the last almost 40 years.  We have great kids who now all have their own families. We lived in the same house for almost 30 years and only moved recently to be closer to the Grandchildren.

And still I find myself fighting the same daemons from my childhood.

If you also suffer from a past that, as much as you would like – you just can’t seem to leave behind, come join me on this journey. A journey of discovery and hope and light into the land where we should have been born.